April 2009 Archives

I could go on and on about my favorite episodes of the Golden Girls (like when Bea as Dorothy delivered that line about Blanche--you know the one, oooh, I can't remember it now; you GG fans out there know what I'm talking about). But this week is about Bea, not me.  So I will be watching all seven seasons continuously until the full run is done (I did the same last year when Estelle died; thank goodness I get a new set of sick days at the beginning of each year).   

So I will close this chapter of my life with a simple ode to my Bea (and not like Jeffrey Ross--what he said about Bea and Sandra Bernhard is shameful): You're a pal and a confidant.  Your humor and baritone (or was it bass?) voice will be sorely missed.

Anyway, I can't shake this song for anything (usually just reciting Dolly Hedgewood's "8 tips to remember when binding off a pattern" can clear my head). Wish me luck or I'm gonna literally go out of my mind!

Confidential to Kerry Reynolds: Mitt Hefflehart is not the guy for you. I haven't seen him in church once since he's been on parole, and if he thinks working the mess line in county jail qualifies him to get a job at Chin's Palace, he's not living in the same economy I am! And I would definitely get a paternity test. You'll thank me if it turns out Brad Sterner is the dad. His prospects are much brighter as long as the mill stays open.

Sorry, readers--I sometimes get notes from fans, and I like to answer them as discreetly as possible, so sorry if you're in the dark about what's going on.

Anyway, when the phone was passed to me, Jean also happened to wish me a belated happy birthday (it was on April 1). She said that she planned on getting me an "over the hill" card (how thoughtful of her to even think of using her 30% employee discount on me), but she wasn't sure how I'd take it. Dear readers, I can tell you how I'd take it. I'd take it and cram it down my garbage disposal. Thanks for nothing, Jean.

No, I don't mean any of that. I get all in a huff so easily these days. Maybe I am getting old and crotchety (not "crochet"-y for my eagle-eyed readers--I haven't made that leap yet; knitting is still Sonny to my Cher). So now that you know I just turned 30, you probably want to know how I spent my birthday. Let's see what I remember: In the morning, I went to Muffins 'n Stuffins (Gail the baker is to blame for me tipping the scales past 130--I won't say HOW far past 130) for my favorite breakfast pastry, the "Nummykin" (I like mine with raspberry and cream cheese). I had to work on my birthday, so I didn't have a chance to treat myself at lunch (ate my usual ham-and-pickle sandwich). And for dinner, I had to order in from Chin's Palace because Mother was off playing pinochle with the girls. I ended my night with my boyfriends Ben & Jerry (two quarts worth) while I watched a double feature of Mannequin (terrible except for dreamboat Andrew McCarthy) and Weekend at Bernie's (terrible except for hottie Andrew McCarthy).

So you see, my birthday present was another dress size. Hopefully they'll do A Biggest Loser: 30-Year-Olds that I can get on. Oh, I've had enough of me for one day.  

I was more interested to hear what Peter was up to, and Penny told me that he's looking into investing in a Menard's franchise in Moline. How exciting! Just between you and me, dear reader, if things work out, I could be part of the Heckle home-improvement empire! You have to say these things out loud if you hope for them to come true.

But this bright note soon turned sour (Miss Wainwright, my sophomore English teacher, would slap me for that mixed metaphor) as Uncle Paul, Mother's brother, stopped by for a visit. Here's some background: It's springtime, and Mother's been having issues with rabbits eating her peonies or something (I can't identify any plants but dandelions--I don't have Mother's green thumb, perhaps because I sliced part of mine off with a circular blade when I had my brief affair with quilting. God knows I'm a knitter!). So Mother called Uncle Paul to "take care of" the rabbits. He did with a bow and arrow. Well on Sunday (Easter Sunday!), he shows up with several skewers that had dried meat on them. The Heckle grandkids crowd around Uncle Paul, and he gives each of them a skewer.  They watch as he takes a bite, then they do the same.  As they all were chewing, Uncle Paul says, "That's some good bunny rabbit you're eating, ain't it, kids?"

Of course the waterworks followed. Little Kelly bawled for a full five minutes, while Finn tore in half the portrait Penny brought of him sitting on the Easter Bunny's lap at the Hempstead Shopping Emporium. Uncle Paul didn't see the problem, seeing how kids eat chocolate bunnies all the time. But the damage was done. The Heckles left as quickly as they could with barely a good-bye. Poor Uncle Paul. At least Mother's carnations or whatever are safe because of him.

Anyway, turns out Mother's Lee Press-On Nails were harboring the bacteria (she's a scratcher). When she broke one of the nails and decided to take the rest off, her skin cleared up almost immediately.

So that's the good news. The bad news is that KQAD has put my show on "hiatus". Mr. Judsen cited "creative differences", and I cited him as a "big jerk". Sorry that I'm getting all in a huff. It's just that I know how much the show means to me and all my listeners. I even tried to stage a rally to boycott KQAD's sponsors, but sadly, many of the sponsors themselves are shutting down (how I'll miss browsing the aisles of "Beads Aplenty").

But that won't stop me. 'll find a way to bring Knitting with Joy back. Look (listen, actually) for a new show soon. Happy Good Friday, Jesus!